This Blog is in parts like Lord of The Rings but more maybe The Fiery Bird Freezes – there’s hardly any trees, it’s not interesting or clever and has has no literary merit; nor has it any potential for syndicated merchandise, so not like Lord of The Rings at all apart from being long.
On Thursday 12 Jan the show (click on it to hear it again) brought the words Fiery Bird home in an unexpected way though it was ice and locks that brought the Fire Brigade to heft me over a fence at the end, not fire.
I left the building to find all the gates locked, Joe parked outside was picking me up and told me to wave a crate in front of the sensor – usually as your car approaches it opens by itself. I’m waving a crate as much as possible and nothing is happening – ‘Wave harder! Wave the crate!’ He exhorts from under his flat cap on the other side of the fence like a cockney version of the Railway Children. ‘I am bloody waving!!!’ I’m trilling back melodiously (not). Then, deciding my lady waving was too delicate for the doughty gate sensor used to having a car bonnet poked at it, I grab one of the big wheelie bins and run it around to get a following wind and push it fast towards the gate to emulate said ton of metal that is a car. Nothing; a bit of a shudder but nothing raised or opened. Sighs of signs and portents of unopened doors and age analogies didn’t get me anywhere.. No one could be raised by phone and my girth is matronly, too much so to slide under. The fence too pointy in case of ne’er do wells, to climb over. In younger days the thought of being locked in school would have been a nightmare on the level of walking around town with no knickers on…oh wait that… never mind.
I wandered around the perimeter fence caught under the Wolf Moon, should’ve bloody howled at it it would have been as much use as anything to get out. It was like looking up at the cot bars when young and the only way out was when you saw your Mum come in the room and reach down. It was cold but as much as it was for the time it was, there are always options for people like us, with homes and hearth no matter how humble and stuck we appear. The person sleeping with no choice in that moonlight doesn’t bear thinking about -shouldn’t bear the brunt of what leads us to be a place where people still sleep with ice as a duvet. Things you think when something makes you stop.
So the only option remained to ring 101 and let them know so they can call a key holder to come and unlock a 50year old woman trapped inside school grounds. So we waited, I was expecting someone to come shuffling over, grunting in tiredness, a possible slippers and high vis tabard combination unlock the gate and shuffle off again annoyed at their night being interrupted by a woman who has just spent the last two hours forcing her music and inane monologue onto the internet. Was all this science and satellite really intended for someone to just get to the edge of words and opinions and no further, exhort ‘You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party!” and share her parenting revision woes? Doubtful but I suppose these little hobbies save us from ourselves and the science and satellite does a better job than thinking about stuff will, and all the things we deal with when confronted without softening the starkness of our own truths.
Seeing a fire engine driving up the road gave no clue assuming it was going straight on. Until it stopped. A whole crew got out (they must have heard about my weight gain – note to self – more veg less beer). We must have got a very dramatic 101 operator. They were nice friendly people, Kevin Dan & Michael who explained that they would put the ladders up and over and one would come and get me. Mortally embarrassed (bad leggings) I said I am sure I would be fine. I was also conscious that if I fell back on the fella it was some woman’s son I would be killing. Nevertheless they insisted so up I went and over. As I am half over the fence I can hear Joe talking to one of the other firemen about the electrics in the new venue- charming! As I got put down on solid ground he came over, his face a mask of concern ahh. ‘Apparently the electrics are a nightmare..’
They were very nice, I thanked them, I didn’t know how to thank properly ‘thank you for putting me over the fence’ I said I would mention them on the radio show – they don’t know I don’t think I have any listeners I put a confident face on it – like a blagger; they packed up and we all went off. I texted my friend Hannah and told her I had been stuck and had to get rescued by firemen her reply ‘you lucky bitch, I meant sorry, how awful are you ok?’ When I got home I put my head in the gin cupboard and made selections.
But that was the end of the night.
In the beginning was the word. The ones we join up and I talk incessantly in between song. This show I was on my own, like being in isolation, the panic, no guest or co-presenter, noone to flick stuff at and blame for things going wrong – being used to working at home on my own I am often sitting talking to myself so this is just doing it using someone else’s electricity – oh and IP address as well!! What mischief I could get up to
Working at home alone a lot I can share all sorts of tips on enrichment activities to lift the boredom. They do these things in zoos hiding food in places that the animals have to sniff out and discover so imagine my delight when I found the Christmas chocolates that had been strategically placed on the top shelf of the cereal cupboard behind all the Tupperware things without lids. I came across them quite by accident, the chair I had dragged over to stand on to look at the Tupperware and shuffle it about with my hands just gave me that extra super power.
Have a think about your super power what would it be? I have several- I can wear more than one cardigan on a beach for example – exciting times!
This is the sort of encouragement I got to revise.
My daughter thinks her superpower is express revision- people doing Mocks, what a name for exams! It’s like mocks ‘ call yerself an exam’!! Exams in mocking people that is what I used to think or mocking the subject ‘Pah! English you think you’re as important as Maths?!!’ ‘Biology?? Biology?? All you are is a collection of rude words and noises that make people titter”. Language is a funny thing – I thought smear tests were an exercise in levels of journalistic depravity for years until I found out what they really were. So anyone with people of a certain age doing these things in their house are having this same problem as me between your expectation of what doing revision is like and what it apparently does look like according to the laws of the universe or, a seventeen year old. Since for legal reasons I cannot share our conversations in this regard (she will go ape and I can’t afford to get new door hinges) I expressed them in the form of song throughout the show.
I also had some songs dedicated to my sister Maureen (ooo she gives you more!) who reaches her diamond anniversary not just because I love her though that is true but as a ‘holding gift’ until her present was bought….she would recognise the type of nun above – we went to the same school though the nuns found me problematic.
There were also tangents that mean absolutely nothing at all but in looking at the ol tunes as I chose I thought I would stick one or two in. Mentions in dispatches for Mickey Rickshaw, Hannah White, Menace, The Sound Lounge and The Byline Festival, The Phoenix Centre
1 Walking In The Rain – The Ronettes because this woman’s voice………
THE “ARE YOU DOING ENOUGH REVISION?’ SECTION OF THE SHOW
2 What a Wonderful World – Sam Cooke …. Don’t Know Much about History…..
3 Rat Race -The Specials. I got one Art O’level it did nothing for me – on balance this song maybe didn’t give the message I intended
4 Uptight Everything’s Alright – Little StevieWonder. ‘Ah Mum it’s all fine…..’
5 Attitude – Suede hmmmmm
6 You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party – Beastie Boys ……yes I know at weekends and holidays
7 Better Use Your Head – Little Anthony & The Imperials
8 I Don’t Like Mondays – Boomtown Rats – No one does love
9 The Bitterest Pill – The Jam
10 We Can Work it Out – The Beatles – we always can
BITS N BOBS & SONGS I JUST FANCIED
11 To Have & To Have Not – Billy Bragg Back To Basics played by Mickey Rickshaw in Woking this week when they played the Phoenix Centre as part of their European tour from Boston USA if you missed it you missed a corker!!
12 The Way We’re Made – Missing Andy Essex
13 Unbelievable – EMF
THE HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAUREEN SECTION (sibling brownie points)
14. Singin the Blues – Guy Mitchell This was number one on 13 jan 1957
15 Queen Majesty – Techniques because big sisters are always the Queens
16 All the Young Dudes – Mott The Hoople – a favourite of my sister- holy hell was unleashed when she couldn’t find it and the other loon wearing member of our household was fingered as it being an inside job. Small gobby children, a baby, a Donny Osmond fan and anyone wearing Aran Jumpers or headscarves were eliminated from the investigations (Mum:’ Wha’ Mott the Hoople? What sort of a name is that, look behind your father’s Chieftains record ‘Round the Dresser and Up The Hole’ B side Waxies Dargle -it might’ve been put in the wrong sleeve’)
17 Celebrate Summer – TRex
18 Top Of The Pops – The Rezillos memories of all the great audience dancing on the show – one foot/ the other foot/ look bored /one foot/ other foot look bored; and in our front room by big sisters
19 Hay Wrap – The Saw Drs – an Enid O’Blyton book about our adventures – Willie Joe and our pathetic attempts to get a free drink backstage
20 Exmouth Beach – WillB where she lives, he wrote a song about it.
MORE BITS, A BIT OF WEATHER & DIET ADVICE AND BOBS AND SONGS I FANCIED
21 Turn Turn Turn – The Byrds
22 Don’t Eat Yellow Snow – Frank Zappa
23.Bad Woman – Pat Farrell & The Believers (garage psych but the name sounds like a Christian country & western band from County Offaly 1957)
24 Bad – Kirsty MacColl
25 To The End – Blur